Passing on

Yesterday was by far the most shocking day of my life. My grandma was the healthiest out of all her kids, the only pill she took was for blood pressure. The thought of her dying was the last thought that would of crossed my mind. But yesterday morning at about 8 am I got the call that will change every holiday, birthday, and just general life.

Going into her house after we left the emergency room we went to her house to find documents and you could automatically feel like something was off, the fact that she wasn't at the door waiting for us, in the 19 years I have known her she has always opened the door before you got there, it was like her sixth sense. After walking in the room you notice everything is exactly the way she left it. Her newspapers on the chair, her kitchen nice and tidy, even coffee had been made.

Today we had to go through her pictures and drawers to find things for a slide show for her memorial. Which was actually very fun. My grandpa passed away 3 almost 4 years ago and she had a lot of his things that I was suprised she kept all these years. After a while of digging I found a shoebox full of random objects and then I realized these were all my grandpa's things. She kept his shoe horn, every watch he ever owned (there were seriously 16 watches), a couple swiss army knives, his belt he wore in the navy, cuff links and a tie pin, and a few quarters that I'm guessing he left on the dresser table before he passed away. I found that so romantic. It made me wonder what I will save of my life, what will I treasure of Matt's things? That must seem morbid and terrible but the truth is, we all die, the love we feel and the memories we make with those people make the sorrow fade and the joy of that person be celebrated.

I am having a very difficult time dealing with everything that has happened. This wasn't supposed to happen. I never would of guessed that a broken shoulder would of ended up killing her. I'm going to miss all of her quirky, and at the time anoying, things that she used to do. It's interesting how after you don't have that person anymore the things that made you want to pull your teeth out now make you laugh and adore. She was my mom and my aunt's step mother but she had two children with my grandpa, my aunt and uncle, she took very good care of my grandpa when he was dealing with a mess of health problems back in 2006 - 2007. I would rather re-live puberty than deal with that year ever again. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system and a close family so we can get through this all together.

Slowly

It is really strange to me that now that I have all this free time to do all these different projects that I have been wanting to do I now have no desire. Why is it that when I was busy I wanted to keep being busy. Every minute acounted for. But now my life is like floating down the lazy river at cherry hill.

Hopefully I will perk up this spring when I go to Glorietta, New Mexico with Intervarsity. Although I dreaded studying the book of Mark for 8 hours a day I ended up thirsting for it. That was the best time of the day for me. We would go and have free time and I just wanted to go back into the classroom. I wanted to get my questions answered, I wanted to find more questions to ask. Hopefully I can get a core group of people that I can do that with after we leave New Mexico.

A good study group is definatly a essential part of a Christian's lifestyle. I believe that questioning can also lead to thirsting for God. It is good to question, I'm worried about you if you aren't questioning everything you believe in. Don't believe things because your family, friends, or culture tells you to. Come to your own conclusions.

Never be afraid to go deeper.