Zero momentum

I am at a weird point right now where I just don't want to do anything with myself. I am not productive whatsoever and it is really starting to become depressing. I'm tired of being this way but I just don't know where to go from here. I figure that I can't pay for school with just this photography thing but I can't go back into retail because the hours are SO crazy. I am not trying to be picky, but the weird hours really mess with my sleep which messes with my seizures. I need regular hours. Thats another thing, I 'm terrified of being a drain on another company. I am a hard worker, I know any of my old employers would tell you that, but my health issues can be... well, an issue. I think a part time job with regular hours should do the trick. The regular hours with the credit union was working wonderfully but I started to get sick which started to effect my epilepsy.

Sigh.... I hope there is something out there.


I appologize for complaining. I am just at a loss and I figure that maybe someone has some ideas, because I'm out.

Well, I had a really busy Christmas and Christmas Eve. Matt and I were bouncing from house to house trying to see everyone who invited us to see them. I don't think we should do that anymore. I love seeing everyone but we didn't get to enjoy each other or the people we saw. We barely got to sit down before we had to leave. But we did get to do something a little bit different this year. First of all we got to go to Bountiful Heights (Where Matt recently got employed as the youth and childrens leader) and we did candlelight which was beautiful. Then we saw both of our families and we got to see our good friend Kristine and her son Malikye. We had a drum circle which was a blast. I had never had a drum circle before. Her and her son had been doing this since he was a baby. They decided to do it because of the story of the Little drummer boy who had nothing to give Jesus but his song. So we played for Jesus. I loved the idea, what a cute little tradition :)

I have so many good things in my life, I appologize if it seems like I am always complaining on here. I truly am greatful, I suppose that a blog can sometimes be a ventalation for my emotions.

Embark

So as most of you know I recently lost my job at the credit union because of my health issues. I have been struggling with it a lot. I want to be independant and live on my own and take care of myself. I love having my own place and feeling responsible. But what am I supposed to do without a job? Thankfully God has started to show me a little bit of the good things that can come from this. Matt and I have started a photography business and we seem to already be doing really well for just starting. We have about five different people who want our business and who are telling their friends about us. Now that is a God thing. Hopefully that will be an income I will be able to live off of.

I also decided to go to college this next fall. I have no idea what I want to do, but I feel like my break from school has been great but its ready to jump back in. I am very nervous and excited for the upcoming events. Please keep praying :)


Here is our website if you want to check us out :)

simplyelementalphotography.com

Lost

I lost my job today. Me having seizures was too unreliable. Understandable.
I'm trying to see the bright side of it.
I want to go to school. But my dad said that I was living in a fantasy land.
I think I'll prove him wrong.


If anyone knows of any jobs I would be more than happy to hear your input.



Dear God, make me a bird....

Being a light

I realized I never talk about the Junior High kids on this thing. Which is weird because it is such a big part of mine and Matt's life. Matt is the intern for the Junior High youth group at our church and I am a leader along with some of our best friends. The group is called convergent and it is probably made up of about 120 or more 6th through 8th grade kids of all different shapes, colors, and backgrounds. I started helping out in June or so and the more I started to get to know some of these kids the more I thought "How are they ever going to get it?".

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't think that because these kids were incappable, I thought that because they just didn't want to hear it. They didn't want to listen. They didn't want to learn. I started to think that maybe some kids just couldn't get it in junior high and that hopefully God would just reach them at a different place in their life like He did me.

On a side note, Chad Holladay is a really close friend of Matt and myself. He is also the junior high pastor (and at one point in time my bible teacher at CHS). He is so inspiring and so fun to be around. He and his family are just a huge blessing to anyone that knows them. But recently our church merged with another church in bountiful so that we could help show God's love down there. Since this happened they needed some people to go down there to help get Bountiful Heights on its feet and to get a youth group of 3 to grow and to hopefully multiply into 4, 5, 6 etc. So they sent chad down there to help and so our much larger youthgroup was left without a pastor, and Matt was given the oportunity to step in and give the sermons and kind of be the go to guy here in Washington Terrace.

Matt has been teaching in Convergent for about 3 months now and it is amazing just how much difference there is in the power of his messages now from when he just barely started. The first little while all the leaders were having to tell kids to stop wiping boogers on their friends and lifting chairs above their heads. But lately... I've just seen a massive change in these kids lives. They not only know what it means to love, but they are being love. One of our leaders, Charlie Poe, has a daughter that went into brain surgery last week. Those kids signed up for a certain time during the day so that Charlie's daughter was getting round the clock prayer for 24 hours. These kids are talking to God during school. They're shining Jesus' light on their friends. They know they need Him.

The past few weeks Matt has been teaching on the advant Calander. Which is the lighting of the candles each week to symbolize something. The first week was the candle of Promise, last week was the candle of Light, and this week was the candle of Love. These kids sat silent the entire time. And when Matt asked questions, some of the kids that I thought would never get it.... got it. It clicked. What a blessing it is for me to have these kids in my life. I suppose most of the people who read this wont really understand why this means so much to me or why I am so "obsessed" with my religion. I honestly wouldn't expect you to. But I would be happy to explain, and so would any of these kids.

Back in a brand new light.

So it has been a while since I've posted anything. My life has just been full of suprises lately. I wasn't able to afford much of anything even though I was working two jobs. I honestly could barely afford milk and gas. Sometimes I couldn't. But thankfully God blessed me with a full time position at a credit union. Can you say hello benefits and goodbye screwy shifts? Super rad for sure!



Life has been hectic for sure but Christmas is coming up. Which is a suprisingly relaxing time for me. Gifts don't stress me out because I don't try and buy things I can't afford. If you can, look into making things for people out of stuff you already have. I know you may find this hard to believe, and some of you may disagree with me, but I have found that making a gift out of love or finding some things at a dollar store and putting something together for them is much more special than recieving and ipod or video game.

Now I know everyone that is reading this is probably thinking "There is no way that anyone would like a homemade scarf than an ipod". Well that is probably true. But a homemade scarf isn't necessarily what I'm talking about. I'm talking about taking the time to find out little things about your friends and family that you love and letting them know about it. Feeling loved is the greatest gift of all. Love is the whole reason Jesus came here. Love is the whole reason we are able to celebrate this Holiday.

I know the shock factor of getting an expensive gift is awesome... but it fades. It doesn't matter after a while. Soon we will need the next best thing. I have found that the more we worry about getting the "best gift ever" then we actually lose sight of why we are getting these gifts. Not out of obligation... but out of love.

So I urge you to stay away from stores like Best buy, Dillards, and any store in the mall this Christmas. Lets spread love... not greed.

In the life.

Saturday was a crazy day for me. I had work from 11 to 7 at Joann and I had plans later that night to go to the Mission Improvable Improv show. While I was at the cut table I saw Matt coming over to me, luckily I just got on my break so I went to go talk to him and he told me that he was at target (which is right across from Joanns) and that he locked his keys in his car and needed to borrow my car so he could go home and get his spare keys. So of course I went and got him my keys and he asked me to walk him out to my car since I was on my break. When we get to my care I see a dozen red roses lining my front and back winsheild and he pulls a card out of his jacket that says how our romance will never die and that he will always love me.

Fantastic day right? Well... here's what else happened:

After I went back to work I didn't have lunch for a few more hours, which I could handle although I was very hungry, unfortunatly we were behind on our break/lunch schedules so I had to wait another hour to have lunch. By the time I got to lunch I was so hungry that I just threw my mac and cheese in the microwave and ran out to my car to get my cell phone where I left it.

When I get back the break room is full of smoke and my mac and cheese is black charcoal. I now know how ryan from The Office felt when he burnt his hot pocket in the toaster oven. I was expecting one of my co-workers to come up to me and start singing "Leesha started the fire!". They didn't but I did get teased quite a bit.

So with my lunch plans ruined I went over to target to get some pizza for lunch. As I was digging around in my purse to find my keys a tampon falls out of my purse, I think nothing of it and put it back in, when all of a sudden I hear these two girls that were working at the concession start freaking out and yelling "OH MY GOSH THAT IS SOOOOO SICK!" and start laughing at me. I still wasn't embarrased but it was just annoying enough to make me angry. So I went back to work and was told that I could go home early because it was such a slow day. THANK GOD! I wish these things would of happened in the opposite order.

When I got home I realized I didn't have a vase to put my roses in so I grabbed the biggest cup that I could find.




It just so happened that my roommates Twilight cup was the only one big enough to be able to hold the flowers. Ironic but it works. (unfortunatly edward started to turn some of my roses into undead vampire roses)




I also found these beautiful paper flowers inspiring:










I got the paper flower pictures from green wedding shoes and here is the link so that you can see how to make them:
http://greenweddingshoes.com/diy-paper-flower/

What a novel idea.

So I finally have an idea for my next novel.

General idea: Prodigal son written through the perspective of the "son" character and the "father" character. I haven't decided the time period of my story yet but I think I have the characters pretty much done. Hopefully I will get some pieces of it up soon so that I can get your feedback :)


(But also feel free to give me feedback on my general idea too)

Thank God

Giving thanks to God is not my strong point I am sad to say. And tonight it hit me just how much God has been taking care of me and that I've just been thinking it was "left to chance" or a "happy mistake". No, there is no way I would be living the life I am right now. There are a lot of things I wanted to give thanks to God for and I thought what better way to give thanks than to God than to share with all my friends and family (and anyone else who follows my blog) what is going on in my life and how He is working.



First of all I was able to move into an incredibly beautiful home that is only a few minutes from church and fifteen to twenty from both places I work. I have two of the greatest roommates I could ask for. And I am paying the cheapest rent I have ever heard of.

Another thing was money. I was REALLY struggling with money and was getting cut back a lot on hours at famous footwear to the point wear I recieved a fifty dollar check. Now, I don't care how cheap rent is... I cant live on that. So I applied at a few different places and got an interveiw at joanns and she told me she would let me know if I got the job by friday. Well it just so happened that friday I was going on a youth retreat with my junior high friends and I didn't receive a call that day. The entire trip I was pretty distraught and was trying to think through my options for when I got home. The first two days I was frustrated with God and I just wanted to shut him out for not letting me land that job. The third and last day we were there I was singing worship and I finally said "Ok God, I can't do this by myself anymore, I'm giving it to you." My phone didn't get reception the whole time but then it rang and it was Joanns calling me to tell me I got the job and to come in that Tuesday to start.

I am loving the people I am working with and I am making a lot of new friends there. But lately I have felt depressed and lonely. I felt like my only friend was Matt, who is the greatest friend I could ever ask for but I still wanted to have someone to hang out with when he was with his friends, and I just wanted to feel a sense of community. My friend Jake the other day was telling me how he felt community for the first time when he went away to help at a summer camp in colorado and I thought "I would like that" so I told Matt how I was going to be leaving this summer so I could experience these things but then he brought to my attention that I would have to eventually leave my community, or that I might not have the same experience as Jake. Matt helped me figure out that what I was hungry for were friends. I have always been a little awkward and different which makes it hard to find someone who is willing to love me past my flaws and quirks. I have a lot of people in my life that like me and I like them but we don't have a relationship.

So this morning I was supposed to go to work and it was our last day of this GIANT sale at Joanns and so there would be a huge amount of people that would just be showing up late to the sale, but instead I was called and told that I had the day off. Super strange... I even went in later to pick something up and I asked one of my managers about it and she said she was just as baffled as I was. But this was a total God thing. My friend Kristine and her son were moving into their new house and I got to stay with them all day and help them get settled and I got to go out and shop for them. I never realized how clensing and fun it is to give gifts. Not gifts because you feel obligated, like christmas or birthdays, but gifts that you genuenly want to get them just because you want them to be happy. I felt community with them. I have never felt that before. God got me a day off work at the most impossible time so I could feel that. He is amazing and I am so glad for what I have. I just want to give back and love on people.


What has God given you that you haven't noticed before?

Drawing.

I love drawing, it makes me feel alive.

My latest:

Rough morning

This morning I was having seizures and wasn't able to go to work today which didn't make my manager too happy because we are in the middle of a big sale. And if you know me you know that I am a HUGE people pleaser, having someone upset with me is not something that I take lightly (which can be my downfall). I just so worn out by these seizures.

At first my seizure medicine was working great and I was having no problems and then all of a sudden they started getting worse again and I noticed that if I ever missed one of my pills I actually started to feel better. Now, because I am poor, I decided to ween myself off the pills myself instead of go to my neurologist (bad move on my part). When I first got off the meds I felt great and was doing good again but now I'm having them regularly again. I usually don't complain about this but I have just really been struggling and decided I would voice it. I would love your prayers.





EKG






A little bit of what my seizures are like (because I wouldn't know either if I didn't have them) :

-Petit Mal

Symptoms of petit mal seizures can be hard to observe because the seizures themselves are so brief - often only a few seconds. The patient will often appear simply to be staring into space. Some more outward indications of a petit mal typically include smacking of the lips or chewing, hand movements, and fluttering eyelids. During this time, the patient will have no awareness of his or her surroundings and will be unable to continue conscious activity such as movement or talking. Atypical symptoms can include slumping or falling, with a more gradual onset and recovery than a typical petit mal.

The ones I experience are the fluttering eyelids and they seem to last for at least 15 minutes and usually a couple of hours. I have been having these every morning. It is not safe for me to drive when I am having these. They only happen when I wake up, my neurologist thinks because I might have seizures while I sleep so waking me out of an unconscious state has the effect of these petit mals. When I say I was having seizures that day that does not mean that I was have a Grand mal (as I explain below)

-Grand mal

A grand mal seizure — also known as a tonic-clonic seizure — features a loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions. It's the type of seizure most people picture when they think about seizures in general.

Grand mal seizure is caused by abnormal electrical activity throughout the brain. In some cases, this type of seizure is triggered by other health problems, such as extremely low blood sugar or a stroke. However, most of the time grand mal seizure is caused by epilepsy.

Many people who have a grand mal seizure will never have another one. However in some people, daily anti-seizure medications are needed to control grand mal seizure.



I have not had this kind of seizure for about two years now, which is great because they hurt REALLY bad. I take medicine to avoid these types of seizures so now I am going to have to get on some new medication.

Cold weather

Cold weather has finally arrived! I seem to have a love hate relationship with cold weather. I hate being outside and feeling like I should of put on ski pants just to walk out the door, But I love being chilly and cuddling up under the blanket next to a fire with Matthew, the beautiful clothes you get to wear, or watching the leaves turn colors and the snow fall...



Maybe I would love it most if I was able to just stay inside with my cozy blanket and fuzzy socks and watch the world around me.

Fabric cutting and hospital visits.

So it has been a while since I have posted anything.

Latest news:

I have a new job at Joanns fabric and crafts. I just got done with my first week and am still getting used to everything. Starting a new job is always a little stressful when you have to learn so many new things. I also tend to get policies and methods mixed up between Famous footwear and Joanns which I will hopefully be able to fix fairly quickly.

Unfortunatly I had an incredibly frustrating day on Wednesday. I was working my second day at the cut table and I was cutting fabric for a customer that had about 18 bolts so I was talking to her about her projects and measuring when all of a sudden I had a shap pain in my right kidney, my face went hot and my body went cold, and I got light headed. I finished up the customer and took a little break when I started to break out into a cold sweat and the pain started to increase. So I decided that it would be best if I went to the hospital because I was obviously confused and a little scared. So Matt came and picked me up and took me to the ER and we spent about 6 hours there taking a multitude of tests. At the end of it all they had no idea what the problem was. So they released me and Matt and my mom wheeled me out to the cafeteria to get something to eat (becaues I was too woosy to walk from all the pain killers) and I ended up fainting. So they had to take me back into the ER and didn't get home until two in the morning. Horay for spending 11 hours in the ER with no results. Woot!

One mans trash...

I dont know if anyone knows this or not but I LOVE buttons.
Especially vintage ones.

Whenever I find shoes, pants, hats, gloves, anything with a button on it I instantly am attracted to it. Matt always teases me about my love affair with buttons. I would love to somehow incorporate buttons into the theme of our wedding one day. That would be wonderful.

A few months ago we were at our favorite antique shop and I found this jar FULL of antique buttons for four dollars. I have no idea why I didn't buy it but I should have because the next time I went in I couldn't find it.

Here are a few things I have learned for when you got antique or thrift shopping:

1. Never go without money You'll end up finding something you love and be incredibly sad that you dont have the 5 or 6 dollars for your little treasure.

2. If you find something you love and can afford it, buy it! If this is a good antique or thrift shop then the place is most likely a mess and you will never, and I mean never, find it again. (unless you're buying something large like an antique stove, sofa, chair, cabinet, etc.)

3. Make sure you check everywhere on your item to make sure it is not broken, stained, or harmed in any other way. Obviously it is very sad to come home with something and then find out something is wrong with it. But I double check everything before I buy it, especially since I'm on my own now and spending money is kind of a big deal.

Here's hoping

I called starbucks today.
They said that they will be setting up interviews next week and will call me then.
Here's to hoping thats true.


I need a second job so badly. I really enjoy working at famous footwear but the hours are so random.It is far too stressful to never know if you'll make enough to pay the bills.Maybe I'll start selling art on etsy? Maybe... I dont know.

And one more thing...

I feel like I am acceptionally ordinary lately.

I'm tired of being in this funk. I need a hobby.

Misfit.

If I was a toy I'm pretty sure I'd be one of these:




It seems the more I learn about myself the more I come to realize that I am just a different breed. And I'm ok with that. Thank goodness God has provided me with some other misfits to share this patch of land with.So I suppose I haven't been writting in here that much lately. I wish I could say I have been busy doing other things but honestly I just have had nothing to say. Things have been going smoothly. I am all moved in to my new home and enjoying having room mates. I thought it was going to be a much more difficult process than it was (considering I'm an only child so I figured I would be awkward living with other people my age) but both Sarah and Hilary are very laid back girls and I am enjoying their company.
I also recently decided to part ways with my wisdom teeth. We just weren't getting along. They wanted to grow in where there was no place for them, so the rest of my mouth and I had a meeting about it and voted them out. Sorry wisdom teeth.I have also been in a weird funk where I deeply want to read and get engulfed by a good story but it seems every time I pick up a book my mind just trails away with other nonsense and I can't focus on the words on the page. Let me know if you have a cure for that.-Leesha

Things that make me happy.

To all who want to know how to bribe your way into my love:



This is definitely the stuff to get me. I also found out today that I love helping lead worship.
I have never been brave enough to sing with a mic in hand and especially in front of other people but I actually ended up really enjoying it. It was so fun to hang out with some friends and junior high ladies and praise God :)

Nesting

So I am all moved in and now am in the process of nesting.



Nesting: -verb (used without object)to settle in or as if in a nest.
My first night was honestly really rough for me. It felt like I was in someone's guest bedroom but somehow they got ahold of all my stuff and put it in there for me (talk about a creepy welcome). I also have never been homesick before so I had NO idea how to handle such a thing so I of course called Matt (at two in the morning mind you, bless his heart) and he came over and brought me ibuprofen to calm me down. I have found myself a winner ladies and gentleman!So after a few days of being here I have really come to be quite comfortable here but to feel complete I need to nest. I need to make this space my own and although all my things are here I feel I need to do more to make myself comfortable in this room. So I have a decoration project on my hands and I am really excited about it. The thing is that I can't paint or remove the boarder on the wall (its Craig Massie's old room and has a sports pattern on it. Farthest thing from my personality as you can get) so I need to find a good way to cover it up without damaging anything or spending a lot of money. I love a challenge. Some rooms I find inspiring:






(notice the stuffed totoro in the corner)

Goodbye.

It's my last night living with my parents.
My room looks naked without my decorations and books.
Matt will be here bright and early to help me move.



Here's to a new adventure!
Cheers!

Support group

I have a group of people who love me.

Matt, Chad H, Chad B, Allyse, Kristine, Mykel, Jake, and dear Mr. Charlie Poe

Thank you.



You all keep me with the love and knowledge that keep me here doing what I'm meant to do.

Excitement overpowering fear

You know, I expected to cry when I graduated.
I didn't.

I also expected this gut wrenching fear of moving out and having all this change in my life.
I'm not.



I am so incredibly excited for the things coming up this fall!
I get to be a leader to some of the coolest kids around and teach them about Jesus.
I get to see them love, hurt, and triumph.
Hopefully I also get to help them through that process.
Something I wish I would of had at that time.

I am also moving in with one of the coolest ladies I know!


I am very blessed.

One year of living biblically

I saw this posted on a friends facebook today and found it incredibly interesting.I will definitely buy his book when I get the money.



I don't agree with him on everything he has said obviously but I thought what he did was incredibly interesting and definitely worth reading about. I dont think that the old laws still apply in today because I believe that after Jesus died on the cross for us we no longer had to give sacrifices and have all of those laws. I also believe that a lot of laws were also made up by the Pharisees so that they wouldn't break the true laws that God had laid down for them - the ten commandments. I understand that we all don't share the same beliefs and that is fine.I just feel that this is something that anyone could appreciate.

I love her bangs and makeup.


I'm thinking I need a hair cut

Relationships

Relationships are the most difficult thing we have to deal with in my opinion. Relationships with God, parents, siblings, friends, and significant others (married, dating, or crush) can be so time consuming, rewarding, and sometimes hurtful. Why do we take the risk of letting someone love us? Why do we take the risk of loving someone else? I would say that keeping up a good healthy relationship with anyone is difficult. We are all broken and it seems that mixing broken things with more broken things would be a bad idea. Well, I think it is. That's why we need God in all of our relationships. He is love. And He is the glue that holds us all together. No matter how much of a yard sale (mess) we are.

Here are a few of my favorite bible verses on love and friendship.
I get a lot out of these verses every time I read them so maybe they will do the same for you.

• Colossians 3:14
  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity
  
• 1 Peter 4:8
  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
  
• 1 John 4:8
  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
  
• 1 John 4:18
  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love

Perspective

I'm sitting on the couch downstairs watching gilmore girls - a personal favorite of mine - and thinking about what I am going to need to buy before moving out. I'm feeling a little bit nervous about it all. But thankfully the excitement is overpowering the nerves. I'm thankful to everyone that has been keeping me in their prayers and has been helping me out. I really do appreciate it and you all are a big part of my life.

A day of frustration.

It really annoys me when people get angry with me about my seizures.
I'm sorry that this disorder of mine is an inconvenience for you, I'll try and do better next time?

UGH! I dont get what people expect me to do.
Believe it or not... It's more difficult for me to deal with than you.

Sorry for whining. I just needed to vent my frustrations.
I promise I'm not like this all the time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyways, that good points:
I got to relax with Matt last night after he got home from his backpacking trip, it was really nice to have him to talk with again. I'm a very emotional, sensative, and talkative person and he seems to be the only one that can calm me down. He helps me be a better me. Also, Matt was sweet enough to bring me the next book in the searious I'm reading "An echo in the darkness" by Francine Rivers. I am so blessed to have someone so thoughtful.





This past week I have been thinking a lot about college. Yes or no? what do I want to do? Well, I know I want to write. I also know that I want to do art. I would love to be a children's book illustrator and author. Or I could write novels and do art and possibly sell it (if I get good enough). What a wonderful thing that would be for me. Just to sit in my own creativity and inspire and touch people that I don't even know. Art and Literature....

I'm thinking double major :)

Watching the sun fade...

It has been a beautiful couple days of thunderstorms.


I suppose there is something comforting about having a nice home to stay in and watch the beauty unfold. The flash of light and the echoing boom... it's relaxing.Talking about the weather always seems like the thing you say when you don't know what else to say, I believe that weather leaves us out of breath and for me, speechless - if we take the time to notice it. And now I am watching the sun fade to darkness... enclosing us in shades of pink, purple and blue. Oh what a wonderful world...

plus belle

I hope that one day I can have a room like this.
like Belle.






What a great gift.

Bad attitude?

I'm feeling down.
I wish I could call Matt and talk to him.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now

I love seeing the way God is taking care of me. Its almost like He's saying "Aleesha, if you say this right now to this person it will open up a wonderful oportunity for you."

So I've been watching how everything is playing out and just relaxing and letting God do His thing and it has been a difficult and rewarding experience. I feel so much closer to God and so much safer with Him. I trust Him wholeheartedly (not an easy task, it's taken me 3 years to trust him) and I would encourage anyone who is holding back from Him to just take that step. Say to yourself "WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?" and answer that question.

Here's what God has done in my life since I've let him take over:

I have been wanting to move out for a while now just to get on my own and let myself grow. An obvious goal desired by young adults but not always tangible. I desired independence. Coincidentally I had to give up my independence in order to gain it. Yep, you heard right. I had to give up the thought process of "I know best" or "I can handle this myself" and just let God take care of it. Let Him lead me where He wants me, the best place for me.

I didn't want to give that up. I figured I could find a place to live on my own. How to go to school on my own. How to handle my relationships on my own. I found a place to live that was costing me $400 a month including food. A pretty good set up. I figured that would be perfect for me and that it must be from God because I decided that it was what I wanted. And obviously I know best. Well that didn't end up working out for me. I was very discouraged because my plan didn't work. So i started getting very frustrated and thinking that God mislead me and told me the wrong thing. Why would he give me this opportunity and then tell me no? What's His deal?

I wasn't listening. Well, I WAS listening but only to myself. Assuming that what I wanted is what God wanted. What crazy desciples we are. While I was reading the book or Mark I was SO frustrated with Jesus' desciples. I thought they were stupid. They never listened and just assumed everything and didn't trust Jesus although He has proven Himself to them time and time again. Just like He has with me.

Anyways, I finally just threw in the towel. I told God that I give up my independence. I know that my will is not what God intended for me. I also decided that that was ok. As I have said, He has proven Himself time and time again that He knows MUCH better than I do. And that very night that I said those words to Him BOOM I had a plan for a home. This IS where God wants me. The more I get into the more I see Him and how He has layed this all out so perfectly for me.

It always seems too easy, and I think this is why we try and make God's love so much more complicated than it needs to be -don't get me wrong, I dont believe loving sinners like us is an easy task- but here is all this Grace and all I have to do is accept it. All I have to do is let him take care of me. All I have to do is trust Him, like a child trusts their parent. What a beautiful relationship my God has set up for us.

I'll be seeing you.

Matt is going on a week long backpacking trip and I am going to miss him A LOT. I know a week isn't long, but he's my best friend (and not to mention cutest friend) of course I'll miss him. So him being gone for the next week got me thinking about when he was leaving for college almost four years ago. So here is the video I found and some pictures that I love and a few that just bring back tons of memories before Matt and I were... Matt and I. Enjoy :)



i'll be seeing you

W, aleesha MySpace Video
























I love you my dear and I hope you have a great trip.

True Friends.

I feel like I'm finally getting on the right path to finding true friends.
In the past I have had the hardest time finding friends that will be there for me. Friends that won't leave at the first sign of trouble. I never understood why it was so hard for me to find good friends. Then I started to realize that its hard for everyone, some people just choose to stay with the bad ones. I'm not sure if it's for fear of not having a friend anymore or that we're afraid of not being accepted somewhere else. I'm glad that I gave up my old friendships and I don't feel that it is cold or heartless for me to say that. My growth as a person and in God was being stunted. The friendships actually brought me more sadness that happiness. Now that I have accepted that I need to look deeper than "hey, we have the same interests" to find a good friend. And I'm ok with that, because the family I have built around myself is so loving, caring, and always there for one another. I don't feel like I'm in a battle anymore, and that feels great!

My deepest awareness of myself

I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn or dererve it.





What are you afraid of?
Who shall separate you from the love of Christ?





A lot of the time I like to think of Jesus as the hero of time (without the blonde hair and blue eyes and slap on a big nose)

Can't wait

I am so proud of Matt.
He found out that God was calling him to be a youth pastor. But what makes me REALLY proud of him is that he's following that calling.

He's an amazing man and he'll do great things.
I can't wait to see what's in store for us.





I wonder what it's like to be a pastor's wife?

Death

I'm ready for part of me to die so that I can be reborn.
what a wonderful concept. I love how God is taking care of me.Thank you.




It takes death to bring new life.
Just like the tomato.

Some truth you need to hear.

Please believe me when I tell you that love is not a feeling or an emotion.It is a choice.

Summer laze

I've just been so tired lately. I'm not entirely sure why, I dont really do anything, maybe I'm having seizures while I'm sleeping? Ah well, nothing I can do about that.

Anywho, It feels like summer is almost over - mostly because I work at famous footwear and tomorrow we start back to school - and that I haven't gotten a chance to even have one. Matt and I have both been working fairly frequently and find it hard to get time off to go on trips. Which is a total bummer. Hopefully we can go on a camping trip somewhere close before the end of July. I have only been swimming twice and haven't hiked once. What a lame-o. Sadly I had to cancel hiking with Aimee the other day because I got called into work. I'm hoping that we can do something this week.

Good news:

• I get to hang out with my Go group / family tonight. Always a good time :)
• I am going to Lagoon with Matt on Tuesday

I love the people God has been putting in my life and helping me get closer too. I hope you all know what a blessing you all are :)

Inspiration