Transformation

My greatest fear used to be being a bad memory for someone. The thought of the reason someone is staying up at night and tossing and turning because I had wronged them made my stomach turn. To be honest, I probably have been that person. I have wronged people. I have sinned. I don't deserve the grace that God has given me, but  He still continues to give it.

Since I was in High School I had paralyzing depression and anxiety. About a year ago I would have to crawl around my apartment to get around because I couldn't make myself stand up. I couldn't make myself leave the house. Now, I am not sharing this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I am sharing this because I want as many people as possible to know the transformation that God has brought to my life.

A dear friend of mine gave me a verse to memorize to deal with my anxiety. I always thought memorizing scripture was ridiculous. I thought it was busy work that they had us do at Sunday school so we could win stickers or treats. However, I was desperate to try anything. I memorized Romans 12:2 which says "Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So that you will be able to discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God". The idea of transformation was appealing to me. I hated who I was. My past was a weight that crushed me and kept me from seeing any good in my life. I repeated this verse out loud to myself whenever I felt anxious and I would feel myself relax. I felt peace.

I am now in the process of a Bible study with the friend I mentioned earlier and another woman as we go through a book called "Calm my anxious heart" by Linda Dillow. Memory verses are very important in this book and although we are only in the 2nd week I can feel my anxiety breaking down and I can finally feel close to God again. The past year I have had a barrier up and I have been drowning and unable to see God anywhere. I felt abandoned. The fact is that God was there the whole time. I was just unable to see Him because I was too busy dwelling on my past to be able to see what He was doing right then. I am learning that God can take a situation full of terrible circumstances and make it good. Linda Dillow says "It's our 'helping God out' that leads to an anxious heart", and I couldn't agree more. The more I try and "help" the less I rely on God and the more I rely on myself. I will always lose. I will always fail. But it is through Him that gives me strength that I will find contentment.

I hope that if you are reading this that you will feel encouraged and know that contentment CAN be learned. We can train ourselves to look to God first. We can be used for His glory.

If you wanted to look into the book we are reading you can find it here.